cereal killer
Monday, October 20 at 1:30 a.m.
you know, it's actually quite easy to write a review for a movie or book or music album - everyone does it. it's much, much harder to write a review for something so mundane that most people would never even think about it. that's the kind of challenge that i'm up to. by the time you finish reading this, two things will have happened: one, you will have finished reading this and two, you will be fully convinced that i am a nut. that's if you already are not convinced of that fact. that's quite fine with me - i'm as mad as a hatter. and you're not allergic to nuts anyway, right?

by the way, do you know where the phrase "mad as a hatter" comes from? let me tell you. quite some time ago, the process of hat making required the use of mercury. honestly, i have no idea why the mercury was used, but the result of constant contact with the mercury often drove the hatters quite mad. as in stark raving mad. i don't have references to prove this, but i'm pretty sure that i'm right. but i could be wrong. look it up when you have the time. in fact, i hope i am wrong. then you can post a message saying "Chris, you were wrong", and i'd feel satisfied knowing that someone finally said something.

okay, back to the review. i have decided that today, this morning, i shall review a box of Kellogg's CORN FLAKES. you laugh now. but first, a little history lesson.

CORN FLAKES were invented by accident. the Kellogg brothers, John and Will, were interested in developing new grain foods for John's medical establishment. one day, after baking some dough samples, they were called away on business. when they returned, the dough had dried. thinking something akin to "What the hell!" i'm sure, they put the dough through the rollers anyway. to their amazement, the dough came out in little flakes. and voila. Kellogg's CORN FLAKES were first made available to the public in 1906. yep, that's right, almost one hundred years ago.

now let's look at the box. it is 32.5cmx24.0cmx9.5cm. (that's 13.0"x9.5"x3.75".) why those particular dimensions? have you heard of the golden section? it's a ratio that has been studied as far back as Pythagoras. a line segment follows the golden section when it is composed of two uneven parts and the first is to the second as the second is to the whole. (a:b = b:(a+b)) it is considered most aesthetic. this box does not follow the golden section. beats me why they chose those dimensions. they probably used some funky equation to calculate the maximum volume using minimum material or something like that.

the slogan on the box says, "The Original and Best*" (the * means that you have to look for the fine print on the side of the box that says "*Trademark/Registered trademark of KELLOGG CANADA INC. (C) 2003.) the original and best what? perhaps the phrase below gives us the answer - "TOASTED FLAKES OF CORN". wow. what a revelation. and below that is this: "COR 246". i have no idea whatsoever as to what it means.

the graphic on the box is, of course, a bowl of CORN FLAKES*. (yes, that too is a *Trademark/Registered trademark of KELLOGG CANADA INC. (C) 2003. i should have mentioned that earlier.) the bowl, like the box, is white. the bowl rests on a white napkin that is placed towards the right side of the box. in the lower left corner of the box, is a strawberry. perhaps it was dropped there by the same invisible person that is dropping another two into the bowl of cereal, splashing milk everywhere. that would, of course, explain the presence of the napkin.

when i was a kid, i was always fascinated by the idea of the falling strawberries. what were they for? i tried many a time to figure this out, going as far as to get strawberries for my CORN FLAKES*. all to no avail. i even tried dropping them in like the ads on TV. they did not make the cereal taste better and they were usually the first thing i ate. they should have had someone spooning some sugar on the cereal. that's what can make it taste better.

in the background is the CORN FLAKES* mascot: Cornelius the Rooster*. get it? Corn-elius? (he too is *Trademark/Registered trademark of KELLOGG CANADA INC. (C) 2003.) he is red, green and yellow. he has no eyes, only empty sockets. poor, poor Cornelius the Rooster*.

and that brings us to the close of this review. i considered the prospect of venturing to the sides of the box but i shall not do that now. (the reverse side is the same as the front as this is a large 750g box.) there are no surprise trinkets in this box of cereal. that makes me sad.

but anyway, don't feel bad on my account. next time you see a box of CORN FLAKES* at the store or on your breakfast table, say a prayer for the sightless Cornelius the Rooster* and think of me. actually, don't think of me as that would just about make you lose your appetite.

and remember how i said earlier that two things would have happened by that time you had finished reading this? actually three things will have happened. by the time you finish this, you will have also read around 970 words of pure nonsense and wasted some precious time that you will never get back. so sorry.

i was not paid to write this. Kellogg's*, please DO NOT send me a lifetime supply of CORN FLAKES*. i like Frosted Flakes* better. - They're Grrrrrreat!*

(*Trademark/Registered trademark of KELLOGG CANADA INC. (C) 2003.)